Gender norms
There are times in your life when gender takes on a bigger resonance. Having a son has shown me another side to all the differences and cliches. I hear so many comments about children now, and it’s interesting to think what assumptions and ideas we give to little humans before they know much about who they are.
My son has a very cute face (I know, I am clearly biased :-) and sometimes when he was smaller, strangers might comment ‘she’s very pretty’. If they learned he was male, they’d say ‘oh sorry’ as I guess boys can’t be pretty! Although why not? The compliments would change to a more manly sounding ‘he’s a handsome chap’!
Most clothes for babies and toddlers are still pink for girls and blue for boys. To avoid confusion I guess (?), but even when you try to go neutral (a nice black and white stripe for example) the styles are usually gendered with frills or images of tractors! Girls get glitter, leopard print and sunshine. Boys get dinosaurs, hammers and cars.
It seems futile to argue with these cliches as clothes don’t matter that much, particularly when they require such frequent washing! Frankly I don’t have time to worry about the psychological impact of dinosaur pyjamas. These clothes just need to fit and be hard wearing. But I find it interesting when my son gets complimented for attributes like being strong, assertive, knowing his own mind, or being mischievous and playful. One of his favourite games is pushing a toy car under the sofa and insisting someone retrieves it, only to push it back under with a grin. He loves eating, sometimes offering a strawberry to you and then swiftly taking it back, laughing at the idea of giving any away for real. This seems part of his personality and sense of humour. He’s the boss of his own little domain. I wonder if a girl of the same age would be treated in the same way? Of course every child is different. Yet often girls get the idea that they should be kind, nurturing, and pleasing very early on. My niece would carry around a baby doll when she was a toddler herself, giving the doll its own plate and playing the nurturing big sister role. Whereas my son says the word ‘car’ a lot and seems obsessed with any type of vehicle. Is it nurture (he was given cars and trucks as presents) or nature (he seemed to like them from the beginning)?
How we are raised has a lifelong impact. A lot of women I know get to around 40 and question whether they have been true to their own ideals. They experience anger and frustration that they were trying to please others and put themselves last for so long that they now need to make changes. I think of myself as a younger person and wish I’d spoken up more. I had the brains and imagination, but less so the confidence. It took me so long to see that my thoughts and ideas were valid. Sometimes I still have doubts! But I keep putting them out there. It’s my contribution.
Like many women, I have played down my skills or the strength of my feelings to fit in. A new report called Shapeshifters from Amy Kean / Good Shout shows that women worry more about likeability because there is evidence it’s a prerequisite for success in many fields. According to research quoted in the report, 56% of women were called ‘unlikeable’ in their appraisals versus 11% of men. I think that’s because it’s so hard to hit the right tone for a woman to be liked…we must be fun, enthusiastic, humble, talented yet unthreatening. So it’s no surprise that we hold back our true feelings and waste a lot of our energy wondering what others think of us.
Raising a boy offers me more insight into the alternatives. The early male perspective and vulnerabilities. How we behave before we feel the weight of other’s judgement. There is lots to learn, observe and explore.