I’m a feminist but…
Fans of the Guilty Feminist podcast will know the above statement, a humorous idea which explores the conflict between the idealistic values we hold and our behaviour in reality. Much as we try not to be weighed down by the gender bias instilled in us from birth, sometimes we can’t help it!
I’ve been thinking about the traditional expectations we have of women and how certain life events made me expect them of myself, despite ostensibly knowing better.
I got married in my 20s and entered a brief ‘trad wife’ era well before that phrase was popularised. According to Wikipedia a trad wife is someone who believes in traditional gender roles in marriage. During my marriage, we both worked full time and I simply added household tasks to my list of tasks. It started innocently enough; I was interested in cooking so I attended cookery courses. That was fine but then I started feeling I should expertly cook all of our meals and cater for dinner parties to which friends and colleagues could be invited. The pressure to present this domestic ideal mounted. Why couldn’t I bake the perfect load of bread at home? I’d get frustrated with myself for not being able to keep up this good housewife image. Yet I still expected myself to be doing well in my career too. I’m a feminist but…I had somehow absorbed traditional gender expectations.
Now I’m a solo mum and single woman, sometimes I still find myself thinking stereotypical thoughts about motherhood. I’m a woman so I should be naturally maternal, shouldn’t I? I should be able to manage looking after my baby all day at weekends and tend to him overnight without going insane. And I should still be good at my job. Yet, it constantly feels like a precarious stack of cards about to fall down.
I was driving recently and the petrol light came on. I had been putting it off, but I finally needed to refuel the car. I’d subconsciously filed this car related task under a thing I was going to struggle with. It’s the kind of simple task that is much more difficult with babies in toe. ‘What is the protocol here?’ my overloaded brain wondered. I managed to get the petrol into the car whilst keeping the baby entertained in the back seat, but then it was necessary to go into the store to pay. I hadn’t brought any aid for carrying the baby (eg a pram, a sling) so I scooped him into my arms and headed in. He’s quite heavy now, maybe 10kg? So I got to the counter a bit out of breath, now having to juggle the baby with my bag and purse in order to pay the bill. At one point I almost said to the cashier, could you hold this baby for a sec please!
As I left, I wondered if I am abnormally bad at this stuff. Surely I should be able to carry a baby more seamlessly into my arms, as well as into my life and typical tasks. And I should be able look better as a woman whilst I am doing all this, because I always think I look exhausted and horrible now. But why do I think this?
Ah yes, those traditional patriarchal values again. I have to keep overriding them to remind myself that women aren’t naturally good at all this stuff. I’m still new to parenting and learning how to handle it. I am allowed to be tired and to look it. And to find being up all the time with the baby mentally and physically demanding. It’s all ok and this too shall pass. I’m still a feminist!
I think you underestimate how much energy you need for a 10 month old. It's hard work, you are always on high alert. It is easier said then done when society has drilled the act of keeping up appearances into girls and young women; but you should try and be forgiving of yourself.
As a comment on traditional roles of men and women I feel that this also an unreasonable ask for both parties. Being the sole bread winner and having your families financial stability and protection being your burden alone is very stressful. Likewise being responsible for all domestic and childcare related work is an equally large burden to bear.