Moments matter

I’ve written a lot about the tougher side of motherhood and those close to me know just how extreme it has been at times. I think most people who look at my face can see the total exhaustion!

But it’s harder to describe the joyful moments that do honestly exist. They are so fleeting and personal, yet so powerful. It’s a cliche to say it makes it all worthwhile. It’s more that the little moments illuminate your days so suddenly that you want to remember and bottle the feeling for drinking in later, when you are awake again at 3am.

I had one of these moments recently in Sainsburys. I was with my parents, who showed me the type of trolley that young children can sit in so they get a good view of the supermarket. This store had the cool trolleys, plus other exciting features like a moving platform (travelator?) you could stand on with the trolley. My son was absolutely thrilled with this, looking around from his lofty perch, wide-eyed in wonder with a huge grin. My Dad put my son in the trolley and started spinning it around, prompting yelps of laughter and everyone around us to giggle or move swiftly out of the way. It was such a joyful sight to see my dad suddenly seeming like a big kid and my child looking so happy! I felt very present and calm; my endless to-do list melted away for a while. Maybe I don’t need to remember the milk or think about cooking the next meal? Maybe none of it matters except the here and now anyway? We don’t know how long we have together - we have to enjoy some of it. The rest of this shopping trip felt strangely magical, as if we were in some kind of extraordinary version of reality where things were bigger and brighter. And this was still just your average, ordinary trip to Sainsbury’s!

There are also times in the morning where my son sits up and looks at me. Even though I’ve spent all night trying to get him to sleep and dreaded each wake up, that moment when I see his face in the morning light is like being suddenly surrounded by soft blankets and reassuring hugs. It’s looking at a kid in cheap pyjamas with messy bed hair who is the most exciting person you know and you can’t wait to see who they will become. I cuddle and hold him in my arms, knowing he’ll grow out of this one day.

Motherhood definitely contains these big feelings and moments that matter. I try to record them and remind myself they exist. Hopefully I’ll feel and hold on to them all the more in future.