The ghastly emotions

For Halloween I’ve been experiencing some scary emotions. The motherhood experience is so unlike the soft and  fluffy images we see. I’ve found that the emotions it brings up can be big, bold and overwhelming. I see a new film coming out looks set to capture something of the raw experience. I definitely want to see this! If I ever get to a cinema again…

The first big and frightening emotion is guilt. This weighed heavy lately when I was taking my baby to nursery whilst I worked. He’d been clingier than usual, a bit out of sorts perhaps. But I knew he was going to be in safe hands. Then the odd comment from people here and there made me question myself. Was he really ok there? Is he too young? Would he feel better if I was with him? Once doubt opens the door, thoughts of how bad a person I might be run uncontrollably through it. This is ok, I repeated as I walked down the street with my baby strapped to my chest to go to the nursery drop off. I kissed the top of his head repeatedly. I felt the surprising weight of his growing body. This is ok. This is ok.

But I wasn’t. When leaving him at the nursery with tears welling up, I always want to wrap myself up in emotional support but most likely I’ll just eat some chocolate. This has to be ok.

Then when it comes to support from family, I felt so bad for leaning on others lately. Why can’t I just manage it all better, gliding across the surface of working mum life smoothly? Why do I feel like I’m running up a hill only to find that behind each corner is another steep incline? Why does it seem like I’m always on the verge of falling over? The sleep deprivation has been relentless and recently I’ve managed to get 4-5 hours sleep for the first time since the birth over 8 months ago. But only because my dad stayed on my sofa bed to help. This is so badly needed, but I still feel worried that it is putting too much strain on him. It isn’t possible any other way. But it is making someone else tired.

Another scary feeling is frustration. The moment you lovingly prepare porridge for the baby, they take one look and casually tip it on the floor. When you record a video presentation perfectly,  but then notice a glaring error in your slides. Only having a 5 minute window to get outside for a walk only to find it starts raining. Throw in many trips to the doctors, a leak through the ceiling, forgetting to put the bins out and still not having time to unpack. It’s all frustrating and lack of sleep isn’t helping me cope with any of those scenarios. Getting through day by day is the only way.

Comparison - never a good idea! I know solo mums like me who are travelling around Europe or starting exciting creative ventures.  How do they do it?! If I get round Aldi with my baby in toe, I’m impressed with myself! I know that I have done plenty of travel in the past and I’m luckier than many in that department. But just the thought of doing anything adventurous right now is alarming! Getting through the long nights settling my baby every hour is high octane enough. The middle of the night is, of course, the worst and scariest time emotionally. I’m lucky my dad is able to stay over sometimes to help, as knowing someone else can take over is a godsend. When alone, the nights can feel interminable.

I know that I chose this path so it’s a vulnerable thing to admit how tough it is at times. And it will all pass and change.

As I keep saying, survival is the goal here, and very much not perfection :-)