The house of cards

Earlier this year, I had a week where my son became unwell with a high temperature after his vaccinations. He was upset a lot, had a runny nose and a cough, sore eyes (conjunctivitis), a rash and teeth coming through his gums. This selection of symptoms kept me busy with much googling, calls to the NHS helpline, then taking him to two doctors’ appointments, feeling increasing overwhelmed.

I was exhausted and ill with a cough myself but there wasn’t really time for that - I had to get on with things! Mum can’t be ill anymore! This is how I fear many mums typically talk to themselves and it is very problematic.

Then one day all my carefully planned childcare disappeared…unfortunately the person who usually looks after my son became sick herself and my parents (usually kindly able to step into help) were away for a few days. But at least I still had nursery to take him to that afternoon, a childcare place with multiple staff. Surely that wouldn’t fail! Then the nursery asked me to collect my son due to his high temperature! So all options that allow me to work whilst having a young child were gone. I realised then how tenuous the house of cards is!

So I ended up in the predicament of needing to work whilst looking after my son. Ok I can handle this, I thought, desperately thinking how to fit my daily tasks in around his presence. He was just over 1 so to give an idea - imagine a wobbly little human who can stand up and totter whilst holding on to things, but can’t be left alone as they may self-destruct. One who likes pushing trucks around and pressing buttons so that toys play a tune, whilst he waves his hands in interpretive dance moves. Did I mention that I’m a consummate professional?

Maybe he’ll just stay calm and it won’t be noticeable, I thought as I joined my next Zoom video call and he hovered into view next to me. Shame washed over me - what are people are going to think? You haven’t even attempted to hide what’s happening here! But I had no energy for subterfuge. So I just told people the truth: childcare unavailable. Luckily I received only kindness from my colleagues who were friendly and welcoming to the cheeky and cute additional attendee. And I got my job done. Thankfully we got through it! Then arranged time off and allowed myself to be ill.

I wonder how many working women are operating like this, with the fear that if illness takes out your key support people, you are immediately going to be struggling? It takes me back to 2020 pandemic times, when I witnessed so much difficulty through a screen. Often then we saw kids in the background as parents frantically attempted to homeschool. Often I would worry about members of my team and how they were coping. But are we learning lessons as a society from it all?

In the UK there is the recent introduction of government-funded childcare hours, which is a positive. The cost of professional childcare is extremely high, especially as a solo parent. But I believe we need more focus on the local community, the village it takes to raise people. We need to cultivate reciprocal and impromptu childcare options - the friend, the neighbour who can pop in for a few hours as in the circumstances I described here. We need true flexibility. Drop-in centres where you don’t need to book in advance. And as the mums, we need to look after ourselves too. So I’m on a mission to build my village now. Putting the effort in as much as possible to meeting people and developing solutions. There is a house of cards to reinforce and build stable foundations for here. And I’m very open to help!