Unofficial advice
As I officially finish my maternity leave, here’s a few unofficial life lessons I learned in a very bumpy adjustment to mothering!
It’s ok to survive on toast, chips and chocolate during hectic times. I laughed out loud when a health visitor said I should be eating freshly cooked well-balanced meals, a few weeks after having my baby. When are you meant to cook as a solo mum!? I get 5 minute windows to microwave stuff or eat a Deliveroo sandwich. Which is fine for now!
You don’t need to know it all - you need to ask and if necessary, pay the experts. I assumed all mums were just naturally gifted at every aspect of parenting but it’s very hard to learn all this new stuff when you are so tired. Other people often know a lot more and have devoted their lives to their specialism. I’ve used a doula (person who supports women whilst they give birth), breastfeeding consultant, tongue-tie expert, baby-wearing specialist, plus had advice from nannies and nursery staff. These are experts who know all there is about a topic and they are worth every penny! However…
You don’t have to act on advice. It’s useful to know and use to build your intuition on parenting. The best people I’ve consulted listened to what I thought and supported me in making decisions that felt right. One of my flaws is getting into the perfection mindset where I don’t want to get things wrong so I must do all the things advised. This puts too much pressure on. If something doesn’t work for you but does for someone else, it’s ok to discard it.
Lack of sleep is the worst. The middle of the night moments looking after a baby are very, very tough. It’s like entering a parallel universe full of obstacles every night. Through your exhaustion, you will get people who tell you their babies effortlessly sleep through the night 😑 and also that you will never sleep again 🥹! It’s important to let this wash over you because in reality, everyone is different. All babies sleep differently as they are humans (I think!) But maternity leave can feel like one never-ending day that has lasted several months and this is apparently normal?! It’s not a break!! It doesn’t involve much relaxing 😄
You are in there somewhere. There is a huge loss of identity that comes with new motherhood which needs to be spoken about more. I had an interesting text exchange with someone I’d met just prior to having my baby. I couldn’t even remember our chat, but she gave me a description of how I was and suddenly I remembered myself! It’s a very discombobulating experience making another person and then devoting all your attention to their survival. You get lost. But you are still a person too.
It’s a process. When things seem overwhelming, I keep telling myself that it’s a process and I’m in the middle of it. There will be things that get easier and new challenges. We keep changing.
So I’m in the next stage of the process which is juggling work and solo parenting of my baby. Very excited to have conversations with adults, make new friends, get a little more identity back and develop support networks.
Send me your unofficial advice!
I find motherhood has put me in a perpetual state of exhaustion. Learning how to navigate that and enjoy the company of my children, whilst also being happy they left me alone for five minutes, is a process.