We contain multitudes

I was listening to myself speaking on a podcast and I found it interesting to picture where I was a few years ago. I was talking about the time in my life when I got divorced, which felt like a seismic shift. A lot of wisdom comes from surviving difficult times and reflecting. At the end I gave advice about how we think of our identities, defining ourselves by our marital status, relationships, job title etc. My point was that if you build an identity based on only one of these things, it’s really tough to adapt if the circumstances then change. So we need to cultivate and value different sides to our personalities. We contain multitudes.

I’ve been thinking about this in relation to motherhood. It’s a big part of my identity now, but of course I still have many other sides and other interests! I love travel, even though it isn’t very practical for me to do at the moment. I look at photos and artefacts from places I’ve visited often. I’ve been organising my treasures lately. On my walls there’s a sea view print from Biarritz, tapestries from Venice, a wood carving from Sorrento. All alongside depictions of the industrial landscape of the middle of England where I grew up, the distinctive bottle kilns of Stoke-on-Trent. It reminds me that my distant relatives probably worked in these factories making ceramics that got shipped around the world. I work for a company based in Dublin and I’ve wanted to explore more of Ireland for a while. It’s a future hope for when my son is older and more portable.

Lately I can feel parts of my identity re-surfacing. I’ve read two books almost fully, battling with the difficulty in concentrating through tiredness. This feels like progress as the sleep deprivation and complete mental overload made it hard to read more than a few lines of a book for months. Audio books and podcasts kept me going as I could listen whilst pushing the pram.

I used to love reading so much! I remember a school project where I documented all the books I read over the Summer. The local library was a joyful, silent sanctuary. I still think libraries are such important places - you can take out books for free! They provide a vital community service. I credit all the reading I did when I was younger with so much personal development. It definitely made sure I passed my exams. I remember not understanding Physics at school after a particularly lax teacher made us copy out photocopied worksheets into our exercise books every lesson. I did a mock GCSE test and found I had no idea what the questions were asking me. What even was Physics?! But I then found a revision book in WH Smith and read it at home, practicing the questions and answers. I achieved a double A* grade in Science which helped me go on to A-levels, my degree and ultimately everything else. Never underestimate books!

I went to a ‘soft play’ location recently with my son, following guidance on how to entertain young kids. It was in a warehouse on an industrial park. Once I’d followed the sat nav, got lost after finding one entrance to the car park closed, and finally staggered through the doors with my baby/toddler in arms, I realised this place was my personal nightmare! It’s loud and felt chaotic, suddenly making me paranoid about germs. They have designated hours that you pay for, so once you enter with your child via a swing door, you are supposed to stay until a loud announcement evicts you. We clambered into a space marked 0-2 years old, dodging boisterous older toddlers. These kids could only be up to 8 months older than I mine I guessed. But they seemed terrifying!

My son in the soft play area

My son can stand up and walk a few steps, but isn’t confident enough yet to stay upright for a long. Therefore he can’t be left unattended in these spaces, so I sat with him in the ball pit, then crawled along lengths of plastic tubing (like the material of a bouncy castle? It’s hard to describe!) I’d be always be ready to grab my little one if a bigger kid looked about to trample or fall on him. Other parents were sat at tables, with remnants of crisps and drinks, taking a break whilst older kids worked off energy by running around. Sitting down on a chair looked far preferable but I was alone so couldn’t do that. I was pleased to get out of there!

During times like these it takes me back to being a kid myself. I loved reading and drawing, listening to music and playing in small groups. I’d usually have a best friend who I was very close with, but not a huge social group. I remember finding kids parties so overwhelming! I did enjoy specific aspects: the food (sausage rolls! cake!) and party bags (a little bag of treats like stationary and sweets that parents felt obligated to give party attendees - is this still a thing?). But overall I found socialising with large groups much harder than having a chat with my best friends.

It took me a while to work out that people are different and it’s ok not to much like these kids parties, even as a kid yourself! And it’s ok to value smaller groups with more in-depth chats. So it must be ok not to like soft play centres as a  parent, though it might be a phase we have to embrace for young kids. Thankfully with the warm weather we can be outside more too.

On a long walk, peacefully listening to podcasts

Finding ways to make the most of our strengths is a life’s work. I can draw on deep empathy and the development I’ve been through personally in my job as a manager and when working in user experience and research. I always try to share my learnings to help others. Being analytical and inquisitive serves me well when delivering highly thought-out recommendations. Having a practical side means I can deliver a lot with whatever resources are available. As an older parent, I’ve got some maturity on my side too, though I’m rather too prone to worrying! And there is a sense of humour in there. My son makes me laugh and that unfettered, un-self-conscious joy is something I’m leaning towards more and more.

Humour, warmth and multitudes.